My husband before he's my husband plays me a song that he says reminds him of me. I am a little nervous to hear it, to see what it is that catches his attention. When he first plays the song for me I know that this will be the song I will walk down the aisle to. I am told by many that this is not traditional. In return I tell them that there is nothing traditional about us. WE do not conform. We make our own way, blaze our own trail. He is my partner and I his. Equally. His goals are my goals and vice versa. Every plan to succeed in our life together we meet head on. But he's only a man and therefore fallible. He makes mistakes, some bigger than others, and I make my own mistakes. The most important thing is that we work through them as a team…but…
Sometimes a person does something that seems unforgivable. We do not know why people do these things to hurt us, but they do. The moment we find out the truth we become victims, our souls experience pain never felt before, the trust is broken, sometimes beyond repair. In that very moment we forget why it is that we love this person. We wonder how could someone be so irresponsible with our love? So what do we do? Do we swallow the hurt deep inside and pretend that everything is fine? Or do we rant and rave and destroy something just so that we can give the world a glimpse of the pain that we are in? Is it ok to still love someone who has been lying to you all along? Or is omitting something not the same thing as lying? Can you continue to love someone who has kept a secret from you for years? Is it ok to rationalize it because this person told you finally? Or did they finally tell you because they couldn't hide it anymore and you were going to find out anyway? Do they get points for telling you first? Am I weak because I still will not walk away? But how can I forgive when I know I will never forget? I am broken into a million pieces. All the kings horses and all the Kings men will not be able to put me back together again. My trust is broken, my heart is torn. My ego is bruised and everything I knew to be true is tainted by lies. This hurt consumes me and I am unable to write for days. Every time I look at him I want to claw his eyes out…but I don't and I won't.
My grandmother once told me that no matter what we have to learn to forgive people or we will never be free. At age eight I did not understand what she meant by that. Now at twenty - seven I know exactly what that means. I am a prisoner to this hurt. I am the only one losing sleep and the only one crying. Everyone else is walking around living their lives as if nothing has changed. So why would I give someone that power over me? Why would I let something that isn't even worth it cost me a good night's rest? They say the past is the past and you have to keep moving. A part of my problem is that I tend to stay stuck in the past. I will never succeed in my goals if I continue to hold everything bad in my life bottled in. It will eat away from the inside of me. I know that he loves me. His actions tell me so. I know that even as hard as his demeanor is to the world, he has a softness for me. Even though he does not want me to believe that I am something special and unique the way he looks at me tells me otherwise.
I KNOW this man. I LOVE this man. This is the same man who rubbed my feet after I stood on them for eight hours straight in too small shoes. This is the same man who rescued me when I could not rescue myself. The same man who held me as we buried our child, and let me know it was ok to cry. The same man who has worried over me while I was sick. He knows my every mood, my every heartache, my every dream, every nightmare. He pays close attention to what brings me happiness and what causes my tears. I know this man loves me the way Adam loved Eve. That is why I know how difficult it was for him to keep a secret from me for so long. I know how scared he was to tell me, I know he thought I would leave. And for a second there I almost did. But we all have our secrets. Some buried deeper than others. How can I cast stones when I have done so much worse in the span of my life. So even though it hurts deep in the pit of my stomach every time I think about it, I know that everyday the feeling will fade, until it becomes another memory. But he and I will NOT fade. It's like that old Musiq song, "you were meant for me and I was meant for you…" We were meant for each other come what may.
